writers block or real life??
16 years ago
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Lost as Shit
I'm just sitting up at 5:11am on the computer totally lost. i go thru fazes where I'm fine and can handle the world then i cant even be nice to anyone including my wife, i take some things out on her and i am sorry I'm just lost lost lost is the problem. i just had a friend reach out to me that hasnt in a while, hes having a really hard time these days just in a different area of life. but the point is he just spit out all these things that hes been wanting to say for ages aswell as ive definately wanted to hear and as i read it, i started balling my eyes out, like a release of just someone saying niv=ce things to me as well as saying sorry for my loss i just broke down so badly. it made me realize how close to the surface my pain and grief really is i guess. normally, when my son was healthy weed sit up mangling around till 8am sometimes just playing and fucking around cas he was hilarious like that. i realized i totally lost my best friend too? can a 2yr to 3yr old be ur best friend? he was mine i know that now because i feel so much loss its too much, father lost a son, also lost my best little friend too. i used to talk to him intelligently and teach him things no other kid would ever know, for example all his planets and the milky way and different stars and he actually knew them. not just remembering, he would correct me and tell me the entire lay out of outerspace. i was so dam proud of him i wanted to feel that for the rest of my life and now i have no father myself he died when i was 11mnths, and my sfirst son passed also. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DOOOOOO!!!!!!
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2 comments:
hey babe i just read your blog enrty and I know This pain is the worst.. Im alone right now I dont know whaere you are, I hope your ok.. Im scared... Your my ROCK and I hope Im yours.... I love you....
You can still feel proud of Dub and feel proud of what you taught DUB!!!!!! He was smart beyond his years. As you said he knew the planets, milky way and all sort of other things that both you and Codi taught him. It is a VERY difficut time and only time can heal the pain. It will take a LONG time for the pain to stop and if it ever really stops then you are dead. My mom passed away 5 yrs ago and i still miss her my brother committed suicide 20yrs ago and i still feel guilty about not answering the phone when it rang at 2am the time he passed away. I knew in my gut it was him. I prayed for him to just call again so i could get the phone he never did. My mom lost her son that day and also lost her grandaughter (his daughter) my sister-in-law took her away so i saw the pain that caused my mom the loss of a son and a granddaughter. He taught me that suicide is one solution to a problem BUT ALL IT SOLVES IS THE PAIN THAT YOU ARE IN!!!!! IT LEAVES THE PEOPLE BEHIND WITH MORE PAIN BECAUSE OF THE NOT BEING ABLE TO UNDERSTAND WHY!!!!!!! Just like you and Codi are going through now the WHY !!!!! us. There is no answer to that question. But DUB would want you both to be strong and help each other out. You do have JJ and he is the new light in your lives. He will never be able to replace Dub and I am sure he Never Would Want to replace him. It is OK to break down non of us are made of stone we are only flesh, blood, bones, what some people like to call human and humans break down on a regular basis. We just have to pick ourselves up and start over. You both have a calling to do good for other kids and pass the message on about this terrible killer of sweet children who have done no wrong in the world. Just remember that i am here and you guys are all in my thoughts and prayers all the time. Keep going, get some help if you need it dont keep it bottled up inside you it will destroy you and your family and right now you all need each other. Especially JJ he needs you both to help him learn about his BIGG BROTHER DUB !!!!!! Have only met you the once but i feel like i have know you for ever.
THANKS DUB you brought me together with your VERY SPECIAL DADDY....MOMMY....BABY BROTHER !!!!!
Love to you all BIIIG hug and kisses to you all
Vicki
PS hope you dont mind me writing on here :(:(:(
I sometimes just ramble off stuff and hope it doesnt get people upset but i guess im like you two just say whats in my heart :):)
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