WTF is going on

I WUV U DADDY...
these were he last words my baby boy angel said to me the night before i left him with his mom the night before he passed away. he never said that really before, it was allways bye daddy...then i wuv u... or some combo usually told to say to me by my wife. but this was the first time he just said it all at once to me like that. it melted my heart honestly and i was just impressed. i felt sick to my stomach that night sooo badly that i switched with my wife last minute, as we rotated nights at the hospital. i usually get really bad feelings and stuff in my stomach thats how i feel things. but i never thought in a million years that this was going to be my lastg time with him....i stumbled home feeling so lathargic and heavy but got home nd couldnt sleep. i ended up on the couch somehow all twisted and mangled up. i jumped up like a crazy person and was partially still asleep and was freaking out telling myself NO NO NOOOO , started pcing around like a lunitic then slowly woke up and sat back down, telling myself to just chill out, bad dream everythings fine. i actually took a valium i think. i then calmed down and fell back asleep for a vry short time to my mother running out of the room with my other son in her arms saying "codi called and said get to the hospital immediately..., i called her and she was crying so much that i couldnt understand her, al she did was scream get dow here, so i knew wat that meant right away something was incredibly wrong. all of a sudden i felt so cold like i was in the arctic circle with no clothes on, and it was swelllterin hot out and in our townhouse loft with windows like solar panels basically. i put on sweats and a took and a huge hooded jacket. my teeth started chattering so loud that it was like a woold pecker i couldnt even talk. i started to walk upstairs to my room barely making it every step. my mom said "i thiunk u have to go now!!, i yelled IM DYING I CANT MAKE IT YET...i went to bed and lyed there under the covers in my snow suit in a million degrees weather cold as ICE MANN, iwas freezing. and it just poured thru my body for about 3 minutes, the cold and teeth chattering and horrible pain. i knew he was dieing right then and thats where i had to lay and experience it, i wouodnt make it anywhere else. i fely my son die as he did, the times all match up perfectly let alone i dont need evidence to know what happened to me. it ws out of body experience in a way but a piece of me died with him i felt it, i cant get it back and im totally fucked up right now. i have dreams of ghools and goblins and monsters trying to kill me, my hands full of blood and i have to fight but i have no energy, and they r all partially awake cas my wife is seeing me go thru it.

after the cold stopped, i felt calm...
i got up slowly and walked downstairs and said im going now, i didnt rush, or take a cab or even run. i strolled allmost thru a park, cas i allready knew he was gone and half of me was too. i spent every single day with my son for 3 years until he died, he was my savier, my salvation, my angel, my sweet baby boy, my defient little bugger, and my best friend man. even at that young age we just talked and hubg out and wrestled and watched showes. i wrk at home so all idid was skip work and hang out with him or be at some hospital wherever we were at the time.

i cant even look at his picture without crumbling like a baby, im string at a beautiful picture of him right now as i write this though and i can bareky see thru the tears but i dont know what else to do. i truly feel life isnot worth living without him, that may sound dramatic but he saved me in more ways then anyone will ever know, EVER.

if there was nothing else could be done i wouod be able to start processing this more, but we had a perfectly matched cord blood from his little brother to give him a transplant with and we withought knowing the proper facts went on a protocol for kids as sick as he was with refactury leukemia and this hospital that i sold my houses to get into and live in manhattan for 3 years i was ready decied to test him like a lab rat and it killed him. one minute alive, next minute ded. they r trying to keep his organs so my second autopsy cant be done, i have a full fledged high high ebd legal and doctor team workingon this non stop. i will die prooving how they sacrificed his life just like a lab rat test when he could have been saved slowly taking his counts back down then transfusing the cord. this hospital knows who iut is and i wont say the name since its an on going investigation, but i sit here angry as hell dreaming about goblins and monsters and fighting them and m not fully asleep. never trust one doctors opinion, read books, challange what they say, ask questions, and refuse things that dont feel right in ur gut. ur their parents, ur connected to them eternally and u make the final say, im a half dead dad walking around rying to decide how to go on each day, the only thing is taking thed=se bastards to the grounf=d and raising up my sons legacy, his name was DUB and i love him more thenlife its self and will avenge ur dealt little boo boo , no one fucks with ur dad or his family, i cant help feeling that i let u down smwhow and i wanna ask for forgiveness right now if u feel like that, i tryed everything i knew how to do. 4 cancer centers the final suposed best, sold everything even our house in canadsa in a heart beat ti save u sweetheart, i tryed my best, and will never stop untill justice is don to every evil piece of shit involved in this corruption using kids as a testing grounds.

big hospital YOUR DEAD, U FUCKED WITH THE WRONG DAD

baby boy....i love u way way waaaay more then words could ever express. im dieing inside slowly sweety, i just want t know ur ok, pls send me any kind of sign when ur ready cas i need one to keep going

DUBS DAD