writings from a dad who"s first love, his son, passed away from leukemia...

WTF is going on

2008-09-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

I WUV U DADDY...
these were he last words my baby boy angel said to me the night before i left him with his mom the night before he passed away. he never said that really before, it was allways bye daddy...then i wuv u... or some combo usually told to say to me by my wife. but this was the first time he just said it all at once to me like that. it melted my heart honestly and i was just impressed. i felt sick to my stomach that night sooo badly that i switched with my wife last minute, as we rotated nights at the hospital. i usually get really bad feelings and stuff in my stomach thats how i feel things. but i never thought in a million years that this was going to be my lastg time with him....i stumbled home feeling so lathargic and heavy but got home nd couldnt sleep. i ended up on the couch somehow all twisted and mangled up. i jumped up like a crazy person and was partially still asleep and was freaking out telling myself NO NO NOOOO , started pcing around like a lunitic then slowly woke up and sat back down, telling myself to just chill out, bad dream everythings fine. i actually took a valium i think. i then calmed down and fell back asleep for a vry short time to my mother running out of the room with my other son in her arms saying "codi called and said get to the hospital immediately..., i called her and she was crying so much that i couldnt understand her, al she did was scream get dow here, so i knew wat that meant right away something was incredibly wrong. all of a sudden i felt so cold like i was in the arctic circle with no clothes on, and it was swelllterin hot out and in our townhouse loft with windows like solar panels basically. i put on sweats and a took and a huge hooded jacket. my teeth started chattering so loud that it was like a woold pecker i couldnt even talk. i started to walk upstairs to my room barely making it every step. my mom said "i thiunk u have to go now!!, i yelled IM DYING I CANT MAKE IT YET...i went to bed and lyed there under the covers in my snow suit in a million degrees weather cold as ICE MANN, iwas freezing. and it just poured thru my body for about 3 minutes, the cold and teeth chattering and horrible pain. i knew he was dieing right then and thats where i had to lay and experience it, i wouodnt make it anywhere else. i fely my son die as he did, the times all match up perfectly let alone i dont need evidence to know what happened to me. it ws out of body experience in a way but a piece of me died with him i felt it, i cant get it back and im totally fucked up right now. i have dreams of ghools and goblins and monsters trying to kill me, my hands full of blood and i have to fight but i have no energy, and they r all partially awake cas my wife is seeing me go thru it.

after the cold stopped, i felt calm...
i got up slowly and walked downstairs and said im going now, i didnt rush, or take a cab or even run. i strolled allmost thru a park, cas i allready knew he was gone and half of me was too. i spent every single day with my son for 3 years until he died, he was my savier, my salvation, my angel, my sweet baby boy, my defient little bugger, and my best friend man. even at that young age we just talked and hubg out and wrestled and watched showes. i wrk at home so all idid was skip work and hang out with him or be at some hospital wherever we were at the time.

i cant even look at his picture without crumbling like a baby, im string at a beautiful picture of him right now as i write this though and i can bareky see thru the tears but i dont know what else to do. i truly feel life isnot worth living without him, that may sound dramatic but he saved me in more ways then anyone will ever know, EVER.

if there was nothing else could be done i wouod be able to start processing this more, but we had a perfectly matched cord blood from his little brother to give him a transplant with and we withought knowing the proper facts went on a protocol for kids as sick as he was with refactury leukemia and this hospital that i sold my houses to get into and live in manhattan for 3 years i was ready decied to test him like a lab rat and it killed him. one minute alive, next minute ded. they r trying to keep his organs so my second autopsy cant be done, i have a full fledged high high ebd legal and doctor team workingon this non stop. i will die prooving how they sacrificed his life just like a lab rat test when he could have been saved slowly taking his counts back down then transfusing the cord. this hospital knows who iut is and i wont say the name since its an on going investigation, but i sit here angry as hell dreaming about goblins and monsters and fighting them and m not fully asleep. never trust one doctors opinion, read books, challange what they say, ask questions, and refuse things that dont feel right in ur gut. ur their parents, ur connected to them eternally and u make the final say, im a half dead dad walking around rying to decide how to go on each day, the only thing is taking thed=se bastards to the grounf=d and raising up my sons legacy, his name was DUB and i love him more thenlife its self and will avenge ur dealt little boo boo , no one fucks with ur dad or his family, i cant help feeling that i let u down smwhow and i wanna ask for forgiveness right now if u feel like that, i tryed everything i knew how to do. 4 cancer centers the final suposed best, sold everything even our house in canadsa in a heart beat ti save u sweetheart, i tryed my best, and will never stop untill justice is don to every evil piece of shit involved in this corruption using kids as a testing grounds.

big hospital YOUR DEAD, U FUCKED WITH THE WRONG DAD

baby boy....i love u way way waaaay more then words could ever express. im dieing inside slowly sweety, i just want t know ur ok, pls send me any kind of sign when ur ready cas i need one to keep going

DUBS DAD

Lost as Shit

2008-09-03T02:11:00.000-07:00

I'm just sitting up at 5:11am on the computer totally lost. i go thru fazes where I'm fine and can handle the world then i cant even be nice to anyone including my wife, i take some things out on her and i am sorry I'm just lost lost lost is the problem. i just had a friend reach out to me that hasnt in a while, hes having a really hard time these days just in a different area of life. but the point is he just spit out all these things that hes been wanting to say for ages aswell as ive definately wanted to hear and as i read it, i started balling my eyes out, like a release of just someone saying niv=ce things to me as well as saying sorry for my loss i just broke down so badly. it made me realize how close to the surface my pain and grief really is i guess. normally, when my son was healthy weed sit up mangling around till 8am sometimes just playing and fucking around cas he was hilarious like that. i realized i totally lost my best friend too? can a 2yr to 3yr old be ur best friend? he was mine i know that now because i feel so much loss its too much, father lost a son, also lost my best little friend too. i used to talk to him intelligently and teach him things no other kid would ever know, for example all his planets and the milky way and different stars and he actually knew them. not just remembering, he would correct me and tell me the entire lay out of outerspace. i was so dam proud of him i wanted to feel that for the rest of my life and now i have no father myself he died when i was 11mnths, and my sfirst son passed also. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DOOOOOO!!!!!!

dubby

2008-09-01T01:19:00.002-07:00

hey u manglers out there world wide, since i started this clothing line my beautiful baby boy of just over 3yrs old has passed away. it came so suddenely were still in shock. i gave up everything i was and had, and more to come to this supposed best hospital in the world and i still couldnt fix him. once again i am totally devistated and destroyed, but waaaaaay worse then any other time in my life. he taught me everything about myself, how to love , how to live just for the love of another...the void is eternally plastered in time and on my body and soul. once again i am faced with my never ending battle that life has givin me...mangle? or die...and if i didnt have a wife and 10 mnth old that need me so bad id blow my face off so fast in hopes of maybe going to the utopia Im forced to think of him in otherwise ill flip out. i choose immediately to mangle, for him. to spend the rest of my days devoting my time and money to familys struggling with childhood leukemia and research and awhareness. there is such a lack of knowledge of the rampant increase of childhood leukemia and it tares these kids to pieces. doctors r total goofs for the most part, parents have no idea of their rights, and get walked all over, aswell as the kids themselves dont allways get wat they need. so i choose life and to make my son proud and honor his legacy until im satisfyed hes been fully respected to his potential. i will never be the same. nor will my wife, we dont even know wat to do withought him, im so lost and saddend that i cant even rant and rave today. to u my love of my life Harley Bruce Dornan junior, the absolute love of my life that taught me to be a better stronger healther person. i salute u and can only humbally ask u for guidance and compasion and the time i need to heal. i love u more then any one will ever know, goodbye my sweet baby brilliant before his time little boo boo.
today i got a sign, a little 6yr old boy wiped out beside me and my wife on the streets of nyc's upper east side. He was ripping around on a little scooter thing like a lunitic and allmost bailed several times. I could just feel him going to wipe out so badly, he had a helmet on but rush hour traffic, and a mother 50 ft behind him on the phone doesnt do to much good. I kept mumbling ,annoyedly to myself ,ur gonna fuckin bail kid fukkk wtf is ur mother doing!!!...as if like clockwork he wiped out so badly, face plant on the pavement, his teeth all went thru his lips, his entire mouth was pouring blood and teeth and lips totally wide open and mangled. I jumped down as did my wife and took his small head that reminded me of my little shaved baby DUB's hair and I rubbed it ever so softly, whispering ur ok sweety, and dont worry about a thing little boo boo. Of course his mom looked at us like who the fuck r u guys!!!! ahahahaha I pulled down my shirt and showed her my tattoo of my recently passed son and looked her in the eyes and said dont worry, we know what were doing, she just said ok...A store owner ran out with a first aid kit and I made my wife find the proper medical bandage that wont stick to a tender cut like a lip. then I said get me saline solution, cmon it has to be in there! She found two canisters of saline and I opened both and drenched the special padded cut absorbat cloth, then gave it to the mom and said dont worry hold this to his lip and mouth, it wont stick and it'll keep it clean and moist and germ free until the emergency room...
I ran and grabbed a cab, made it back up 40ft and threw him a 20 and said "cornell emergency at first and york asap ok?? a kids hurt ok??" he said yes no problem. I walked them to the cab and said dont worry its all taken care off heel take u there right now first and york, I promise its gonna be fine. and they drove off...
I stood there looking at the blood all over the pavement, and the scooter and helmet we left at the hairdressers, who gave us the first aid kit. I wondered if that was my sons first sign to me? He hasnt come to me yet in a dream or another very obvious way like im expecting, or did he just let me fix a child, and let me give all my love for him, to a little boy, that needed someone. A person randomly at that time who's calm as hell under pressure and practically a paramedic ater the 2+ years of medical proceedures I have performed on my son, simply because he wouldnt let anyone else do it and was too dam strong...I dont know man , but it made me feel good to help someone else and a mother that froze because she was so scared for her little baby boy. I handled it, fixed him up, sent him on his way in a matter of minutes and it filled me with joy for a brief second to do so...
What do u want me to do sweety??! My little DUB's angel, what have u got planned for me, what will make u proud, cas ill do it, ill do anything, its the only reason I go on right now is to figure out how to honor u properly for the rest of my life....today I got a sign...

2008-09-01T01:19:00.001-07:00